All of a sudden I feel choked. Choked by expectations. Expectations set by others and also by myself. I can't breathe.

I'm sick of asking myself questions "What the fuck am I doing?" "Is this what I want?" "Is this what I really want?" "Is what I want what I need?"

Don't people only go through this when they are teenagers or something???

This is like a premature mid-life crisis that I'm experiencing. I feel like I'm trapped in a space surrounded by transparent walls. Nobody sees it but me. And I'm starting to think that all these are just imaginary. Am I creating problems for myself for no apparent reason?

I'm disgusted by money-minded and shallow people. Why's a job's worth always determined solely by the pay? And ironically, why am I acting a lot like one of them? The last thing I want is to feel disgusted by myself. I don't want to find myself crying in my sleep on my 50th birthday.

I really admire people who can let go everything in their life just to pursue something they have passion for. In that, they truly find happiness.

Can I do the same?

Are they being irresponsible to their family?

Maybe if I've not spent so much of my parents money, I'll be doing something totally different.

It's always about the money. Always. This is fucking sad.

The responsibilities feel so heavy. And I'm a bloody coward. Would someone please slap me on my face?

My brain is so tired. I dont know what I am doing.

How can I look so calm and carefree on the outside when the chaos inside is dying to get out??

I'm just a bloody cynic. And also an emo.

Darn.

Soler is one of my current favourite bands. Got to know them through channel V one day and for some reason, their music caught my attention. Or maybe it's because I've never seen guai lous singing chinese songs.

And they are not exactly guai lous. Their father's from Italy and mom from Myanmar. And so i bought their latest album "X2" a week later and never once regretted I did. My favourite song in their album is "Saving Grace". I danced to that song. Yes I did.

I went around and kept asking people around me if they know this band. Maybe more than half of them have heard of them but none of them seemed as excited as I was.

I swore I would touch a lizard if that's gonna let me see them live. So when I found out that they were coming to Malaysia, I jumped from the chair and ran around the house like a mad woman. I smiled all day. I couldn't believe my luck. Since I'll only be in Malaysia for 3 months...... Since there are 12 months in a year, there is only 25% chance that Soler and I will be in Malaysia at the same time! hahahahaha... -_-"

And then I decided to go to their signature session in Sungei Wang. Alone. I got stuck in the traffic jam for almost an hour. And my Kancil's aircon..... Let's just put it this way.... It did not meet my needs. My clothes were soaked with sweat. And plus I was nervous.

I stood right infront of the stage and felt really left out. I couldn't help reminding myself that I'm a 21 year old groupie. I was practically surrounded by teenagers. It was pretty awkward. But yeah I was excited. =D

They performed 3 songs and they were great!! And their skin are so smooth! I wonder what kind of make up and skin products artists use. Or maybe it's the gene.

And here's the only photo I took with them.  

Julio, Jessie (no eyes), and Dino.

Note the awkwardness of our positions and smiles. And I had my eyes shut. Yay!

Great.

I've already hired some assassins to track down the photographer.

P/s: Dino didn't look exactly too happy that day. Must be the traffic jam.  =(

-The end-

                  I can't remember when was the last time I blogged. Sometimes i think it's a good thing, since, as you can see from most of my previous entries, I only blogged when I was EMO. Yah... This means that Jessie's been less emo and happier lately. Yay!! *pops champagne*

                 I haven't called home for a while. I miss Malaysia so much. I miss home. I miss mom. And dad. And sis. And bro. And Mintuk. I'm the person who calls home the least in this house. Probably once in a month. Each phone call lasts approximately 15 minutes. Which is terrible really.

                 I dislike it this way. But why am I still doing it?

                Why was I hesitant to give my dad a hug? Why was it so hard for me to tell mom I love her?

                 I'm a person who is afraid of emotional involvements. I don't want to get too close with someone, too dependent on something, or simply love something too much. I try not to give out too much, and not expecting anything in return. Isn't this a sign of depression?

                 In short, the phrase "I can't live without........" freaks me out.

                 I guess it's because I understand that once I get really involved with something or someone, and if the thing happens to disappear or leave me, it will take me ages to get over them. Or worse still, I may not be able to get over them until the day I die. I'm so susceptible to psychological injuries that it prevents me from letting myself out.

                Somehow I know nothing lasts forever. Not your family, not your friends and not possessions. It's sad. But true.

                But good thing that some voices are telling me that life is too short for that. I should live it the way I want it to be.

                I can't fucking avoid pain forever.

                Like they said, no pain no gain.

                So I say, bring it on.